Why It’s Not You — It’s the Broken System

How to Stop Internalizing Toxic Workplaces and Start Reclaiming Your Power

When you leave a toxic work environment, it’s easy to wonder: Was it me? Did I overreact? Could I have handled things better? These are the questions we often ask ourselves after enduring a job that drained us emotionally, mentally, and even physically.

But here’s the truth: it wasn’t you. It was the system.

I’ve worked for multiple organizations that, on paper, seemed like dream jobs. The roles promised opportunity, mentorship, and professional growth. I was promised the chance to take initiative, build processes, and bring my skills to the table. But time after time, I found myself in situations where the leadership praised me one day and tore me down the next.

This cycle wasn’t a coincidence. It was a pattern. And the pattern wasn’t about me. It was about the broken systems I walked into.

The Cycle of Dysfunctional Leadership

In many toxic work environments, leaders aren’t looking for people who will challenge the status quo. They’re looking for people who will follow orders, keep their heads down, and never push back. The problem? I’ve never been that person.

I care deeply about making things better—for the company, for the team, and for the people we serve. I challenge inefficient systems, speak up when something feels wrong, and look for solutions that actually solve problems instead of covering them up.

But instead of celebrating those qualities, dysfunctional leaders often see them as threats. They project their insecurities onto employees like me, creating a hostile work environment where praise is used as a tool to control and criticism is used to undermine confidence.

Sound familiar?

Why You Internalize It

Toxic workplaces don’t start out feeling toxic. They usually begin with excitement and a sense of possibility. You’re hopeful that this new opportunity will be different. The leader seems charismatic, and you’re eager to make a positive impact.

But slowly, things start to change. The praise becomes more sporadic. The demands increase. Criticism starts to feel personal, not professional. And when things go wrong, you’re often the one held responsible — even if the problem stems from flawed systems that were in place long before you got there.

Here’s where it gets tricky: instead of recognizing that the system is broken, you start to wonder if you’re the problem. You start to doubt your abilities. You wonder if you’re not good enough, fast enough, or smart enough.

Let me tell you something: that’s exactly what these environments are designed to do. They make you question yourself so that you don’t question them.

How to Shift the Mindset

The first step to reclaiming your power is recognizing that you’re not the issue. The problem is a system that doesn’t support growth, feedback, or accountability. Toxic leaders benefit from keeping people confused and off-balance because it allows them to maintain control.

Here’s what helped me break free from that cycle:

1. Stop seeking validation from toxic leaders.

I used to crave praise and approval from bosses who never gave it freely. I thought if I just worked harder, they’d see my value. But the truth is, they did see my value — they just chose to undermine it. Let go of the need for external validation and start validating yourself.

2. Recognize manipulation tactics.

One common tactic I experienced was the “push-pull” dynamic. One minute, I was being praised as the best thing that had happened to the company. The next, I was being told I wasn’t doing enough. This emotional whiplash keeps employees in a state of confusion. If you notice this happening, it’s a red flag.

3. Know your worth beyond the job.

Toxic workplaces often convince employees that their worth is tied to their performance. They make you feel that if you’re not meeting impossible standards, you’re failing. But your worth isn’t tied to your job title or productivity. Your value exists outside of any role you take on.

4. Find environments that celebrate problem-solvers.

The right organizations want people who challenge the status quo. They want people who ask questions and push for better systems. If you’re in a workplace where your voice is silenced, you’re in the wrong room. Keep looking for rooms that are ready for you.

A Personal Reflection

In my own experience, I’ve learned that the hardest part of leaving a toxic job isn’t walking out the door — it’s walking away from the narrative that you were the problem. I spent far too long replaying conversations in my head, wondering if I should have said something differently or worked harder to please someone who was never going to be pleased.

I realized that I was trying to fix systems that weren’t meant to be fixed by me. I was stepping into rooms that weren’t ready for someone like me. And instead of recognizing that the room was the issue, I kept blaming myself for not fitting in.

It’s taken time and reflection, but I’ve finally understood this:

• It wasn’t me. It was them.

• It wasn’t personal failure. It was systemic dysfunction.

What’s the Lesson?

The lesson here is simple: if you’ve been in a toxic work environment, or are currently in one, it’s not your job to fix broken systems. It’s your job to protect your energy, your confidence, and your growth.

You’re not too emotional.
You’re not too opinionated.
You’re not too ambitious.

You’re exactly who you need to be — you just need to find the right environment that celebrates it.

Keep challenging the status quo.
Keep disrupting mediocrity.
And never let a broken system convince you that you’re broken too.